les gets (order of the eastern) starstruck

Ladies and gentlemen, Most Worthy Grand Patron, Most Worthy Grand Matron. What the...?

It is after midnight and I'm just home from the "informal opening of the Quilt of Faith Session of the Grand Chapter of the Order of the Eastern Star of Massachusetts." Or something like that. I had to attend this shindig to accept a check and express the gratitude of the animal shelter. I have never worked so hard to earn a donation.

At first, it appeared simple: show up at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium at 6:45 to be seated in the reserved chairs so that I might step forward and accept a gift on behalf of the shelter. Service organizations are nice things composed of nice people supporting nice work. How could I go wrong? I'll drive 2 hours, get the check, give a 2-minute homily to the generosity of the good sisters of the Order of the Eastern Star and be on my merry way. Home by 9:30-10:00 at the latest, right?

Holy Creeping Son of God.

Have you, dear reader, ever experienced a Masonic event? Seems these OES gals are sort of like the ladies auxiliary to the Masons. For THREE HOURS I sat on in the last of three rows of uncomfortable chairs on the stage of the Lowell Memorial Auditorium. Next to me were the representatives of 3 other animal shelters and a guy representing a diabetes charity. In front of us was the grand splendor of the stage and the auditorium. There were spotlights everywhere, an old gal tripping along on the organ, stagehands whispering into headsets, and a room filled with ladies in formal evening gowns.

I was in the place where 1980's prom dresses go to die. Poofy sleeves, princess necklines, bustles, and--in a frightening profusion--sequins and tiaras.

The men were in tuxedos. Yes, although the OES is an organization composed of the ladies, they have to have men there, too. They call each other by wild titles like Worthy Grand Matron and Worthy Grand Patron. Higher ranked than the WGM/P's, though, are the MOST Worthy Grand M/Patrons.

The entire 3 hours we shelter people sat there, various speakers and levels of m/patrons droned into echoing microphones. Every single speech was written and read. No passion, no extemporaneous asides, no humor. They read speech after speech, always opening and closing their remarks with comments to worthy thises and thats. They introduced no end of dignitaries with crazy titles, paraded them around the auditorium floor (there was only balcony seating--the floor was open to pink-and-silver-sequined ladies seated in white leather chairs under colored spotlights facing the stage).

There was a Bible opened on a pedestal under a spotlight in the center of the floor (I don't even want to go into how long it took to get that thing opened and introduced to the crowd). There was a parading of flags, the reading of stories about some flags, national-anthem singing, and no end of organ music. At one point a sequined gal got up and sang us Climb Every Mountain and that What a Wonderful World song in a shrill and mildly off-key manner.

We were constantly being signaled to stand up and sit down by the WGM pounding her gavel (but not before we endured a long story about that gavel). Finally, the shelter people got so peevish with the situation that we all refused to stand anymore. We just sat in our back row, rolled our eyes, and tried to stifle our growling stomachs. There was no food in sight. Who has meetings like this without food?

Along about 9:30 p.m., the worthy grand poobahs finally introduced us and gave us our 2 minutes of fame. The ceremonies were still in full swing when we ducked out the door.

Bless their hearts: they donated $1,000 to the animal shelter. Next time I'll just see if they'd be willing to drop it in the mail.