Edge of Eternity

Edge of Eternity, Randy Alcorn, 1998, Waterbrook Press. Genre: Inspirational. 325 pages. Finished 3/27/2010.

LesOpinion: There had been a foul smell emanating from the Field Memorial Library shelves on my past few visits. Little did I know that it was this shitty book. According to the Gospel of John, God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. Randy Alcorn's writing is proof that God's relationship with the world is love-hate, at best. Alcorn is a minister of the evangelical-hate-everyone-not-exactly-like-me stripe. And he fancies himself a fantasy genre writer of Biblical import.

Now, when I was a literature student in days of yore, I had to read my fair share of allegorical religious writing. Heck, I've even read the Bible from cover to cover. I've got nothing at all against Christians or anyone else who espouses a particular religion. What I can't abide, though, is bad writing. And this book is bad writing from beginning to end.

It ricochets madly from event to event, with the word "suddenly" serving as the only transition. And then there is the gerbil. As in "Objections descended on me like a swarm of flies. I felt a terrible sting within, then saw the gerbil attached to my chest." It gets worse. Much worse.

Dumbest quote: "Darkness fell like a huge icicle from a roof." Or maybe it's: "My body felt like a freezer bag, my internal organs frozen artichokes, cauliflower, and peas." You be the judge.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven & For One More Day

The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom, 2003, Hyperion. Genre: Inspirational. 196 pages. Finished 3/19/2010.

For One More Day, Mitch Albom, 2006, Hyperion. Genre: Inspirational. 197 pages. Finished 3/20/2010.

LesOpinion: The snark is back.

After having been spoon-fed pure pablum for the past two days I am here to tell you, gentle reader, that Mitch Albom is a one-trick pony the likes of which I cannot stomach. Now, don't get me wrong, one-trick ponies aren't always a bad thing: I can sit through a Law & Order marathon on a rainy day and be perfectly content. And Mitch Albom is a writer with what appears, at first glance, to be a modicum of talent (he spins a good story, captures emotion well, and has a decent vocabulary). But he takes that crumb of talent and squanders it writing bullshit books about "heaven," dishing up lines like "When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone" and "It's such a shame to waste time. We always think we have so much of it" and "..when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know." Pardon me while I go over here and puke. My only reprieve is that I was spared Tuesdays with Morrie because the Field Memorial doesn't have it.

As if bad writing isn't enough: The author bio on the dust jacket reads "Albom serves on numerous charitable boards and has founded three charities." Now, as the director of a humane society, I'm all for affluent and influential people serving the greater good by serving on boards or founding charities. I'm also all for those people using whatever influence they have to promote the charity. But you'll notice that Albom doesn't promote the actual charities (it could have said, after all, "Albom serves on several charitable boards, including those promoting Alzheimer's research" or whatever). By stating that he "serves on numerous (numerous!) charitable boards" and as the founder of three (count 'em, three!) charities, Albom isn't doing anything to promote anyone but himself. He may as well have written "Albom is a far superior human being to the rest of us." I submit the following for the next bullshit book bio : "Mitch Albom is a smug motherfucker."

Rosie Dunne

Rosie Dunne, Cecelia Ahern, 2005, Hyperion. Genre: Chick Lit. 431 pages. Finished 3/17/2010.

LesOpinion: As with Ahern's first novel, I was skeptical at first--the entire book is a series of letters, emails, IM conversations, etc that tell the life stories of two best friends who are in love with one another whether they like it or not. It's funny, touching, clever, sad, romantic, suspenseful, and, goddammit, it made me cry.

What? No snarky comments? Yep, this book is the first of the Quest to receive an official recommendation.

Read this book. You'll be glad you did.

PS, I Love You

PS, I Love You, Cecelia Ahern, 2004, Hyperion. Genre: Chick Lit. 375 pages. Finished 3/14/2010. Reviewer's Note: this book must be read in your best "magically delicious!" Irish accent for proper effect.

LesOpinion: I was fully prepared to hate this book. Here are 5 reasons why:
1. I couldn't sit through the entire movie based on the book.
2. The author was 22 years old at the time...and cute as a bug's ear...and the daughter of the Irish prime minister. Whatever.
3. Only 22-year-old cute rich girls believe in soul mates.
4. 43-year-old divorcees who haven't been on a date in 2 years not only do not believe in soul mates but they have a de facto policy of loathing against 22-year-old cute rich girls who do.
5. I have a degree in literature, thank you very much. I don't do Chick Lit.

I was wrong. That's what I love about the Library Quest. Every single book I've dreaded reading--the fantasy book, the romantic suspense books, this one--have surprised me. They are books I would never have read if not for the Quest.

No, this book still isn't great literature. No, I still don't believe in soul mates. But I now know that the movie adaptation missed the two best things about the book (to wit, that its characters are working class Irish and the main character and her friends are party girls). The writing could use an occasional edit: "She was a woman who had been given advice from a man she loved, who had taken it and tried her hardest to help heal herself." (Uh huh. I just read the last 374 pages. I think I know). But it was funny, occasionally moving, and charming. I especially like hearing Irish people use words like "nick," and "boot" in ways that we Yanks do not.

A Dilly of a Death

A Dilly of a Death, Susan Wittig Albert, 2004, The Berkeley Publishing Group. Genre: Mystery. 315 pages (323 if you include the recipes). Finished 3/13/2010.

LesOpinion: Okay, let's face it, it's a pickle-themed mystery set in west Texas. It could have been much, much worse. Despite this being one of a long series of mysteries containing this cast of characters (though the only one on the Field Memorial's shelves), I didn't feel lost or left out. The writing was friendly, the story was fine, the whole thing was just a pleasant way to pass a day or two of rain. My favorite character was a housekeeper named Lunelle who had Big Hair, Dolly Parton boobs, and a broad Texas accent. I also learned a great deal about dill. For instance, did you know that dill is not only associated with pickles because of its pungent taste, but also because it is a natural preservative and its essential oil has the ability to inhibit the growth of nasty bacteria like staph, strep, and E. coli? Well, now you do.

Stiff News

Stiff News, Catherine Aird, 1998, St. Martin's Press. Genre: Mystery. 227 pages. Finished 3/11/2010.

LesOpinion: The best thing about this book was the author photograph. Despite the fact that the book was mediocre at best, I liked it simply because I decided Catherine Aird would be a hoot to have tea with. Although this is the only Aird novel in the Field Memorial Library, apparently it's about the 859th book in a series about Inspector C.D. Sloan of the Calleshire Constabulary. It's one of those literate, fussy little English village mysteries replete with rampant quoting of Shakespeare, references to Kipling that just went whipping over my head, and delicious words like hortatative, wadi, and dirk. Unfortunately, I think my mind was so obliterated by my recent expedition through the tawdry world of Elizabeth Adler that I could barely keep track of the goings on.

In a Heartbeat

In a Heartbeat, Elizabeth Adler, 2000, Delacorte Press. Genre: Suspense. 296 pages. Finished 3/8/2010.

LesOpinion: I realize the quest is young, but this book is going to be in the running for The Stupidest Book. We have the return of Adler's trademark lazy prose (heavily dependent on the adverb "definitely") and a tale that barely holds water (the entire storyline hinges on the fact that the "best of the best" mob hitmen doesn't bother to finish the job with a head shot). Worse yet, we have more than one instance of the literary equivalent of that part in a bad TV show where the characters go back in time via harp music and wavy screen images.

Dumbest quote: Who am I kidding? This book is a 296-page Dumb Quote.

All or Nothing

All or Nothing, Elizabeth Adler, 1999, Delacorte Press. Genre: Romantic suspense. 327 pages. Finished 3/3/2010.

LesOpinion: As something of a departure from Adler’s previous books and their floral language, epic plotlines, and wildly wealthy characters, this book was a pleasant surprise. In this straightforward suspense novel, Adler managed to trim her prose and create two of her best characters: Al and Marla. They were funny, sexy, and interesting. What a fun read.

The Secret of the Villa Mimosa

The Secret of the Villa Mimosa, Elizabeth Adler, 1995, Delacorte Press. Genre: Romantic suspense. 375 pages. Finished 2/28/10.

Dumbest quote: “The man was blond, tall, and definitely handsome, with the kind of well-muscled body that looked as good in clothes as you knew it would out of them.”

LesOpinion: That dumb quote was the first line of the book and foreshadowed the awful writing to come. While the story was fun the writing made me realize that talent has little to do with who gets a publishing deal. The worst part is that I turned my cable off because I thought TV was making me stupid.